I’m not your baby factory

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You ever have so much going on that you don’t even know where to start at? Or if it’s even worth talking and complaining about? I suppose if you run it through your mind over and over it’s probably worth talking about it in a place that you can actually get everything off your chest. The things that happen to trouble your mind, or occupy your mind is probably a better analogy. That is essentially how I feel at the moment.

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On a lighter note I finally got my period today! Normally this would not be news to even mention but I’ve been very concerned and worried about what is going on with my body and reproductive organs. I have not had a period in almost a year. Of course I knew pregnancy wasn’t an option because I have not been sexually active and I’m not in a relationship. So unless it is from immaculate conception then pregnancy is definitely not going to fall into the equation. And thank the Gods, because I do not want anymore children and having another child would just bring a whirlwind of FUCKS into my life at this point. I find that the older I get I encounter more males that are ready to have children when women are DONE having children. It’s almost like a catch-22 for having kids. I love children and I absolutely love my children but to be completely honest I really do not want anymore. If I had anymore children it would be to make my husband that doesn’t exist at the moment happy. And the reality is that I am 31, and I am not having any children after the mid-30’s. I am not in a relationship, not even close to one, and seriously doubt I will be married by the time I am 35. Not that I have a problem with that. It’s actually the opposite. Many years in my life I always felt like I needed to have someone want me as theirs in order to have some kind of use and purpose in life. But that is not the case anymore. It’s a polar opposite now. That does not mean that I would not want someone in my life or I disregard the opportunity for love, but I do not let the prospect of someone possibly in my future determine who I am and what I will do in my life and what I should and will do in my children’s lives.

 

Every time I am in a relationship, I look for the opportunity NOT to be. This could mean that I am emotionally retarded due to past sexual abuse and bad experiences or it could mean that I am just independent, know what I want and I was not with the right person. Or it could also be that there is a gray area in between the two that I have not ventured mentally and am blocking the reality of what it is from my mind so I don’t have to deal with it.

A large part of the problem is society. They make women feel like if you are single then it must means no one wants you. But that isn’t true. I’d like to let everyone know I am not perfect, I am single and yes I get hit on A LOT! I am not single because no one wants me or because I cannot find a man. I am not single because I am fat. I am not single because I’m ugly. I’m not single because I’m too tall. I’m not single because I have children. I’m not single because I am a Witch. I’m not single because I am in school and currently do not have a job. None of these facts either separate or built together make up the reason why I am single and have to precedent over whether or not I am desirable or not. Society can kiss my ass and can stop treating women like they are objects just for men’s desires and is sole purpose of being used as a baby factory. It’s okay to be married and it’s definitely okay to be single.

I still need to find out what the cause of me not having a menstrual cycle for that long is though, because with a family history of cancer on both sides and my cancer scare when I was in my mid-teens I am considered high risk for cancer. I had Ovarian Cancer so it’s important to keep myself up to date with different medical procedures and medical analysis, reminding myself to get regular check-ups. Which is a reminder in itself since I have not been to the doctor in a while for a check-up.

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See that guy in the above photo? That’s the result of a baby factory. The misconception is that parenting is an equal partnership is a very unbalanced scale. There is always an exception to the rule but the majority of times it is uneven. The mother is the main provider, supporter, care giver, nurturer to the children. Sometimes I wonder if most have the mentality that they produced the child and they work (even though the mother works as well lol) so their job is done. That is laughable on so many levels. If you left this man alone with his children for more than 30 minutes he’d feel like a chicken with their head cut off. He probably would have any idea what to do. Yet they want to produce all these children that they usually take no active role in raising. And people sometimes laugh when I say I am done having children and do not want anymore. Darn right! And that’s a shinning, fine example as to why I don’t. But enough about me and my cervix and uterus that I plan to no longer occupy with baby embryos!

WordPress, my forgotten friend

I thought about you. I really did. Every time I thought about writing down my thoughts, feelings and frustrations, I thought about you. I don’t know why I didn’t talk to you wordpress. You were always here, but I kept fluctuating between trying to maintain a handwritten journal and going back to the new technology of blogging.

So here I am again. In 2014. Sometimes I feel strong and resilient but sometimes I feel like a mess. A complete and utter mess! I suppose that would be normal for anyone under a large amount of stress. Not to say that my stress could not be worse or that I have it harder than most. I suppose if I wanted to put myself into check and rationalize that I should count my blessings, then I would say I have it pretty darn easy. But blogging isn’t exactly about repressing your feelings and guilt tripping yourself. It’s about venting and expression and actually letting your feelings free and using it as a way for introspection. smoke

My last post was in 2012 so I have had a lot of experiences happen both negative and positive. Unfortunately I would have to say that the negativity scale has been insufferable and ultimately is or has been winning so far. But I am trying to focus on the positive and not the negative. Trying to focus on what is positive and what I need to do in order to have more positivity in my life. The negative energy is like a cloud of evil, suffocating everything in its path like an uncontrollable deadly virus.

Old friends, New regrets

(My friend -or ex friends- Sarah, Eve, Me and Sandy)

There are some things I have been thinking about the past few weeks. I have been praying and thinking over what happened between me and a few of my friends. Mainly between me and my ex friend Sandy. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her know I didn’t want to be friends. I was tired of worrying about her, and being concerned about health, concerned about her partying and what it was doing to her. We exchanged a lot of words back and forth, most were very ugly words. I realize now that instead of being a friend and being there for her I basically disregarded her. They trashed talked me on facebook, her and a couple other friends.

Even though the dispute was just between me and her. I cannot really say I blame them now looking back on the situation. I just came out of the blue and said hey I don’t want to be your friend. I thought I was better than her and that I didn’t need her as a friend in my life. I felt like I wasn’t listened to because I did most of the listening and she did more of the talking but that is just who I am. I think if I would of opened my big fat mouth that maybe she would of been more apt to listen and be there for me as a friend. I also believe the church turned me against her or I misinterrupted their real meaning behind their message.

It was around the same time when there was a message in the church about getting rid of people in your lives if they do not build you up and supplement your life in a positive way. But I don’t think that’s a very good message. I understand you should have supportive people in your life but sometimes people need you in their life when they are going through a rough time. I went to my ex friend Sarah’s FB site and she still had the above photo of all of us from when it was my birthday before I moved to Egypt for a while back in 2009.

I look at the photo and feel regret about things and the way things unfolded. I felt like the only time they wanted to hang out with me was to get drunk and I’m not a huge drinker and I did not want to get sucked into alcohol. I was hurt because someone I thought was a friend didn’t even bother to invite me to her wedding. And since I have children they would never invite me when they would do things such as going to the beach for a day or two. I might of said no, I can’t go but it would of been nice to get an invitation once in a while.

I don’t like feeling as though I’ve done something wrong and went about something the wrong way. I thought at the time that it was the most logical decision but now I just feel like a bad friend.

Samara

(Samara, 2 days old….almost)

Samara is my oldest and first daughter. She was born on May 14th, 2005 at Caldwell Memorial Hospital in Lenoir, North Carolina and Caldwell County. I remember it was on a Saturday because it was the weekend my mom told me I couldn’t go into labor. Unfortunately even when still in the womb, Samara didn’t listen =\.

(Samara, 3 years)

Samara is very intelligent, has a great personality, is totally a whole brand of her own awesomeness. She loves to sing and draw. She loves her family and loves her friends. I still think about her when she was a baby, when she was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5….each age and stage is different. She is now 6 years old. She makes me smile and makes me laugh. She loves God and loves to pray.

Samara grew up not knowing or having a father. And this is where the story takes a turn for the negative or more complicated issues at hand. I don’t really remember my father except for the 2 summers when we were picked up by him and went to SC/AL. I have a vague memory of him, but it’s a memory. Samara has no memory. She doesn’t know what he looks like (by memory), she doesn’t remember her other siblings she doesn’t know about, she doesn’t remember her other set of grandparents, she cannot recall ever being in the arms of the one that betrayed her love as a daughter. And that is part of the hard part. I never had a father in my life, but I at least have some kind of fleeting memory, Samara doesn’t have that.

(Samara and me)

I have always put my children first and done what I thought was best for them, even if people that I was doing it for myself and not for my children. I met a man, we moved/relocated to Egypt and it was a lovely country and she loved it there. It was a new experience and a lot of fun. I technically married this guy but we did not legalize it yet. Samara was calling him daddy and he was very good with her. Seemed like a great guy. Which is why I was with him. A great father or fatherly figure for Samara. What she had been asking for since she could basically talk. It did not work out, because I learned something about him that was disturbing and potentially harmful to Samara presently and in the future, so I made the best decision in regards to my child and left him and moved back to the United States. Some people believe my “story”, some people don’t. If you don’t, I don’t care. I know the facts. His family could not accept the truth and choose to believe another side of the ‘story’. I will repeat this several times, everything I have done relationship wise since the birth of my children is to do what is the best for them. For a while since she was so saddened with not having a father, I thought it was in both of our best interests to find a husband but ultimately a father or father figure for her so she would not feel that void as present as it is. Samara did not really understand why we had to leave Egypt, when we left she was under the impression that we would be back. After we were on USA soil I let her know we were not coming back and tried to explained to her why without giving her details that were inappropriate for her age.

I don’t really like when people throw my relationships in my face as if they are trying to be hurtful, insinuating I am a bad mother and make poor choices. Before I had Samara I made poor choices. After I had Samara I always did what was in the best interests of her. If I was dating someone and it wasn’t right, I ended it. I did not even date anybody for 3 1/2 years almost, until we met Mr. Egypt (ultimately Velda’s sperm donor). Making a poor relationship choice would be if I were stupid enough to stay in it if it were detrimental to the well being of me and my child(ren). I have no regrets about my past. Only that I wish I knew then what I know now. But when you have a child as an outcome out of that situation you almost cannot say that. Because though both my children were not ‘mistakes’ but unexpected surprises they mean the world to me and I would take my own life in a heart beat if it meant they were sacrified only a needle thread point of pain for a moment in their precious lives.

(Sweet Samara and Mommy)

My depression is affected by what’s going on in and with my daugher’s life. For a while after we came back from Egypt Samara was having dreams or nightmares that were sexual in nature and that someone was trying to hurt her. When she told me these dreams I didn’t know what to make of it and what to do. I had severe panic attacks for weeks while this was going on. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and the walls were caving in on me. Am I a bad mother? I know I’m not, but what is this feeling of urgency and desperation. I felt like I was a bad mother because I couldn’t stop these dreams from happening, only soothe her about them as they came and ask her questions about them. Samara was with me all the time, so I am confident that nothing inappropriate happened but how and why was she having these dreams? I felt a little helpless, but I did not let her see that side. The panic attacks would more sink in when she was at school and I would have time, alone in my thoughts to think about potentially what could of happened. Someone hurt me and took advantage of me sexually when I was a small child (who I will leave unnamed), so it hit me more personally and impacted me in a way I cannot really fully describe. I felt like a horrible person and individual that my daughter was so close to potentially being a prey for possibly a sick predator. It made me so sick on the inside and ultimately making me sick physically. I know nothing happened but as being a survivor of sexual abuse it is hard to handle initially especially that being my daughter. Samara has no grasp, awareness or knowledge on this subject. All she knows is we are here and not there, not why and what happened to make us leave.

For the past couple of years Samara’s attitude and behaviors have gotten worse and increased. And lately they have rapidly inclined. It got to a point the other day that I had to call my mom because she smacked my hand away when I was trying to give her directions for her homework. She said something very rude and was totally disrespectful. I told her that was not good behavior in a strict way and walked away for a minute. Where is my daughter and what happened to her, because this is not her! She is ambitious, excited, delightful, energetic, eager….not hateful, mean, frustrated and edging on verbal and physical violent behaviors.

After my mom talked to Samara on the phone I helped her finish her homework. After she was done we had a long PRIVATE conversation about her behaviors, feelings, God, etc. One issue that obviously hit her hard is when I started talking about not having a father. She immediately started crying and said that it really bothered her. I let her know that it’s okay to talk about it, and to cry about it. That me and uncle Frank did not have a father so I understood. No matter how much anybody tries to sympathise or understand how you are feeling when there is a parent absent they will never know the pain you feel on the inside if they had both of their parents. I still feel it to this day. I let her know that I know she is hurting on the inside about that, and it’s okay to talk about it. She immediately started crying and talking about not having a father and different situations where she saw other people’s fathers or they talked about their fathers and it really bothered her a lot. I let her know I understood. I let her know that her father leaving and not wanting to be a part of her life was not her fault and had nothing to do with her. Chris, her father was a very selfish and self centered person. I let her know that he was selfish and he only cared about himself, that he was not a good daddy and it wasn’t her fault. There was a small bit of humor when she said that she thinks my father and her father were brothers and must be related because they did exactly the same thing. I reiteriated that I loved her so much and that I understand how she feels. We talked about not taking our anger out on other people and talking about things when they are bothering us.

As we were talking the Holy Spirit led me to talk about prayer with her and asked her if she would like to pray and she said she would. I spoke and talked to her about having peace in your heart and how you can ask God to give you that peace. That if you are diligent and faithful in prayer that He will reward you. Since then she has wanted to pray everynight. She loves God and she wants that peace to feel better. The main thing that hit home in our conversation was talking about not having a father and not looking for it in other places. I let her know that she and Velda are the most important things to me second to God and that I am always here for her. Giving attention, love, support and guidance.

(Samara, 2007)

Oh how she cried and oh how I cried. I held her tight and soothed back her hair with a kiss on the head, reminding her of how much I loved her and how much she is loved by so many people. I think that was the best hug I ever got from her. She had been withdrawling from me physically so it was nice to have that physical contact from her, knowing that she still needs me in that way from time to time. I love her so much and I do not want her to have any doubt in her mind. Samara, you are not a lesser person because someone abandoned you and did not want to be a part of your life. Sometimes even as painful as it is you are better off without that negativity in your life, even when it is your own father, and even when it was his choice to walk out and not be a part of your life. I wish I could say one day the pain will go away, but it won’t. It just gets easier to handle and manage with time and with the support of your family and those that love you.

 

I have so much to say that I know I did not say everything I wanted to say in all the details that I could. Samara is such a wonderful child and will blossom into a wonderful intelligent, strong lady. She is an awesome big sister to her little sister Velda.

Get Up!

I’m so tired and sick of being sick! The stomach problems are getting worse. I feel like there is an alien in my stomach. That sound humorous but that’s the only way I can describe it. I know I’m not pregnant but that’s almost what it feels like. I’m having muscle spasms, twitches and movements in my stomach. And discomfort that has slowly turned into rock hard pain from the top of my ribcage to the middle of my abdomen, the pain is not “unbearable”, but when you have a pain that never goes away and is constant it feels more painful then it really is because it does not ceast. The headaches and migraines are more on a constant basis, especially the fast week or so. And very intense the past couple of days. I also haven’t had a period since August so that is extremely abnormal. I can’t sleep at night and I have no motivation to exercise. If I were getting some sleep at night then I would be more active during the day and have the energy and motivation to do more things. I’m in bed a good portion of the day and just waiting for Velda to take her nap because I am so run down and have no energy. I feel bad because Samara keeps asking to go bike riding but I haven’t had the energy or I have a massive headache so I keep telling her no.

I will try to do more starting today(tomorrow technically). I need to just get off my ass and do it. Suck it up and deal with it. And when Velda takes a nap I’ll sneak one in too, but otherwise I need to be more active and find a way to motivate myself. I will take Samara and Stephanie bike riding this afternoon after school and they are finished with their homework. As long as the stroller has dried out. I forgot about the full size stroller and it rained the other day so I’ll check it out later to see if it is. That way we can get some exercise and the girls will be happy to ride their bikes and Velda likes to go for the rides.

I’m looking for a toddler bed for Velda, for when I’m living at my mom’s house in Durham. It’s hard to find one on Craigslist, they get gone as soon as they are posted or the people don’t even respond to your emails. The only ones that are on there and available are the cheap chessy looking plastic ones. I want her bed to look like a piece of furniture, not like a giant jumping toy. They sell ones at walmart and target for 50 bucks but it just reminds me of another toy. I want them to know when they go to bed that it’s their bed and not an additional toy in their room. Plus most of the plastic ones are just so tacky and cheaply made.

So I’ve been on my vegetarian diet for a few days now. I was supposed to start the Daniel Fast yesterday but I think I need at least a week to transition into the vegetarian diet then I’ll start the Daniel Fast, which is essentially a Vegan diet but a little bit more extreme.

I’m a Vegetarian

 

I have exercised, tried to go on different diet, tried to eat fresh and healthy. Whole grains, count calories. Beat myself up over exercising, trying to do as much as I could. Then I went to the doctor and they told me I had gained over 20 additional pounds. I couldn’t believe this. I even would cut down on my food because my ex’s mom suggested maybe my food portions were too large, which I’m sure they were, so I even tried cutting those in half. I tried drinking more fluids, cutting out soda, juice and only drinking water or crystal light (mainly water). But still with little efforts I did not have a change in my weight.

I did not have a weight “problem” until after I divorced from Chris, Samara’s biological father aka sperm donor number 1. From then I slowly gained weight. I went from 175 to 200. Then I injured myself and managed to get a slipt disc in one of my lower vertabrae in my spinal cord/cavity. I gained an additonal 20 or 30 lbs from my 9 months to almost a year of hardly no mobility. After I reached past 230 I tried different diets and exercising that did not work. I went on the low carb, low calorie, south beach, liquid diet, nutrisystem, and just a whole grains fresh food healthy “diet” or lifestyle of eating. But I just kept gaining and gaining.

I spent money on workout equipment and exercise dvd’s that did not help me lose weight. I spent almost 1K on a treadmill a few years ago then a couple years ago I invested in an eliptical machine spending a couple hundred dollars off of Craigslist.

There is a book that was released that has recently within the past few years called “Eating Right for Your Blood Type”, and it is very interested what it says for my blood type. I will copy and paste part of what it says about my blood type. Basically a summary for my blood type with is A-.

What Makes a ‘Type A’ an Individual?

What makes Me Me and You You?

This is the question that is at the heart of the genetic puzzle. It is also central to our exploration of blood types. The key is genetic heritage – the story line of your life. Even though you are living in the 21st century, you share a common bond with your ancestors. The genetic information that resulted in their particular characteristics has been passed on to you.

People who are A blood type have a different set of characteristics than people who are Type O – they are susceptible to different diseases, they should eat different foods and exercise in a completely different manner. Some believe that personality is influenced by blood type! Dr. D’Adamo, author of the best selling books Eat Right for Your Type and Live Right for Your Type, among others, gives us a blueprint for living in his books. Read on to learn more about the Type A individual.

Type A History

The Type A emerges into the 21st century with many more complex challenges than their ancestors could have imagined. The key factor in the development of Type A can be traced to the struggle for survival long ago, when there was a rapidly dwindling supply of hunting game stock. Having exhausted the great game herds of Africa, humans pushed farther out from their ancestral home into Europe and Asia. The cultivation of grains and livestock changed everything. For the first time, people were able to forego the hand to mouth lifestyle of the hunter/gatherer and establish stable communities. Over time the adaptations that produced Blood Type A were based on the need to fully utilize nutrients from carbohydrate sources. These biological adaptations can still be observed today in Type A’s digestive structure. Low levels of hydrochloric acid in the stomach and high intestinal disaccharide digestive enzyme levels permit the more efficient digestion of carbohydrates. According to Dr. D’Adamo, these are also the very factors, along with low levels of intestinal alkaline phosphatase, that make it difficult for Type As to digest and metabolize animal protein and fat.

What Makes Type A Unique

Many neurochemical factors in the Type A genetic disposition favor a structured, rhythmic, harmonious life, surrounded by a positive, supportive community. The harried pace and increased sense of isolation experienced by so many in today’s society often make these needs difficult to achieve. Type A best exemplifies the powerful interconnections between mind and body. This was vital to the shift away from hunting and procurement to building and growing. However, Type A’s more internalized relationship to stress, which served your ancestors well, can be a challenge for the modern Type A. The Blood Type Diet’s proactive mix of lifestyle strategies, hormonal equalizers, gentle exercise and specialized dietary guidelines will maximize your overall health; decrease your natural risk factors for cancer, diabetes and cardiovascular disease. The result: high performance, mental clarity, greater vitality and increased longevity.

Type A Diet

“When we discuss ‘diet,’ we are not talking necessarily about a weight loss plan, that’s a side benefit to following this plan. We are actually discussing diet in the more traditional sense, meaning a way to eat,” explains, Dr. D’Adamo. Type As flourish on a vegetarian diet – if you are accustomed to eating meat, you will lose weight and have more energy once you eliminate the toxic foods from your diet. Many people find it difficult to move away from the typical meat and potato fare to soy proteins, grains and vegetables. But it is particularly important for sensitive Type As to eat their foods in as natural a state as possible: pure, fresh and organic. “I can’t emphasize enough how this critical dietary adjustment can be to the sensitive immune system of Type A. With this diet you can supercharge your immune system and potentially short circuit the development of life threatening diseases.”

Handling Stress

In this busy, ever changing world, it’s almost impossible to avoid every day stress. Type As have a naturally high level of the stress hormone cortisol and produce more in response to stressful situations. Cortisol is released in 24-hour patterns, typically in the early morning between six and eight A.M. with a gradual decrease during the day. It helps to cue the body’s other cyclical rhythms. Due to the naturally elevated cortisol in type As, additional stress often manifests in several ways; disrupted sleep patterns, daytime brain fog, increased blood viscosity (thickening), and promotes muscle loss and fat gain. In extreme cases in Type As, stress can manifest in more serious ways, causing obsessive-compulsive disorder, insulin resistance and hypothyroidism. To help balance cortisol levels, Dr. D’Adamo recommends that you limit sugar, caffeine and alcohol. Don’t skip meals, especially breakfast; eating smaller, more frequent meals will also help to stabilize blood sugar levels. He also points out that the following factors are known to increase cortisol levels and increase mental exhaustion for Type As – be aware and limit your exposure when possible:

  • Crowds of people
  • Loud noise
  • Negative emotions
  • Smoking
  • Strong smells or perfumes
  • Too much sugar and starch
  • Overwork
  • Violent TV and movies
  • Lack of sleep
  • Extreme weather conditions (hot or cold)

Calming Exercise – The Critical Component for Health and Well Being

Heightened cortisol levels make it harder for Type As to recover from stress. Research has demonstrated that overall cortisol levels can be lowered through a regular program of exercises that provide focus and calming effects. Make these activities a regular – and life saving – part of your lifestyle. Dr. D’Adamo recommends, Hatha Yoga, Tai Chi and Meditation and Deep Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been studied for its effects on stress hormones. It was found that after meditation, serum cortisol levels were significantly reduced. Writes Dr. D’Adamo, “While it’s fine for Type As to participate in more intense physical activity when healthy and in good condition, be aware that these forms of exercise do not act as safety valves for stress in your blood type. I have seen Type As excel at weight lifting and aerobic activities, but you have to be careful about not overtraining, as that will actually raise cortisol levels.”

The Personality Connection

Blood Type is a marker of individuality – and perhaps of personality as well. In Japan, it has long been believed that Blood Type is an indicator of personality – in fact, you are likely to be asked your blood type in a job interview or while out on a date with a potential mate! In a study conducted by Dr. D’Adamo in 1999, he found some interesting connections between blood type and personality. Type As most often described themselves in ways related to the following characteristics: sensitive to the needs of others, good listeners, detail oriented, analytical, creative and inventive.

Live Right!

In addition to exercise, stress management and eating the right foods, here are some key lifestyle strategies for Type A individuals.

  • Cultivate creativity and expression in your life
  • Establish a consistent daily schedule
  • Go to bed no later than 11:00 PM and sleep for eight hours or more. Don’t linger in bed, as soon as you get up, get going!
  • Take at least two breaks of twenty minutes each during the work day. Stretch, take a walk, do deep breathing exercises or meditate.
  • Don’t skip meals
  • Eat more protein at the start of the day, less at the end
  • Don’t eat when you are anxious
  • Eat smaller, more frequent meals.
  • Engage in thirty to forty five minutes of calming exercise at least three times a week.
  • Plan regular screening for heart disease and cancer prevention.

Always chew food thoroughly to enhance digestion. Low stomach acid makes digestion more difficult.

 

To credit where I am using this information the website is at: http://www.dadamo.com/bloodtype_A.htm

I just copy and pasted the information since I am talking about my health problems and the book at the moment. I found all the information very interesting, and later I found the information to be more key then I thought. Many months ago, I had blood work done. The initial blood work came back and they said the main stuff was good there was nothing wrong with my thyroids and other medical problems they can initially check for. They did additional blood work that took longer, but to be honest it took so long that I forgot they took the extra blood of mine to do further more extensive testing.

So I’m still gaining weight. I got to the point that I was at 230, then for a little while I just gave up hope about losing weight. I didn’t benge with eating or anything of that manner but I just came to terms with the fact that I was going to be fat or “BBW” forever and probably die at an earlier age than I wanted. This went on for about a year until I got the motivation and tried again, but all I did was gain and gain and gain and I didn’t know why. I was eating healthy home cooked meals for the most part, I rarely ate out, I didn’t eat fast food (except in rare, once in a while cases), so I don’t actually know how much I weigh but I am guessing it is somewhere between 260-280. I had to go onto diabetes medication called Metformin, that is for people with type 2 diabetes and also for people that are borderline type 2 diabetes, it is supposed to help the onset of type 2 diabetes.

So I get a call from my doctor about a few days ago to almost a week ago concluding that my research of my problem was correct and that maybe I should be on a vegetarian diet. Both doctors at the facility were in agreement with the blood work. They found out through the blood work that the problem is that my body is not properly breaking down the food. The digestive enzymes are not working with the protein in meat to work for my body and everytime I consume meat it is workind against my body. I’m sure they could of said it in more technical terms like it says in the quoted above details, but it lined exactly with what the book for the blood type diets was telling me. So my doctors stressed the importance of starting and staying on a vegetarian diet and how crucial it was to make this a life long choice and healthy decision. They explained that I couldn’t eat as much potatoe products as well and that switching to soy alternatives would benefit me in my health. They also explained that I am lucky that I was concerned enough to take control of my health and seek out answers. That they let me know within a 5 year period I would of because a full blown diabetic.

I don’t want to be this heavy for the rest of my life. I’m tired of feeling like a fat cow. I don’t feel attractive, and I feel like everything I do that I know is healthy is doing nothing for me. I’m embarrassed to get into a bathing suit. I feel like everything I put on still makes me look gross. I feel like everytime somebody sees me they are looking at me because of my weight not because I’m pretty or other reasons. So I’m glad to finally get some answers, so I can move in the right direction. Because a lot of my dietary intake is meat. I eat a lot of meat and not a lot of sides. I would eat a lot of vegetables and some grains and dairy products but mostly meats. Physical health can really impact and influence your depression and I know I would feel a lot better if I lost some weight and started to see some results. I don’t want to look like a super model, I would like to at least get back down to 170, my pre pregnancy weight. or even 200 would be an enjoyable weight at the moment to see. Seeing that I am almost, uncomfortably getting close to 300lbs, which I do not want to see happening. Ultimately I would like to be around 150-160, that is my wish to be that weight and I would be very happy with that weight. But I have a long way to go before reaching that goal. So I am hoping with the new lifestyle change in my eating, switching to a vegetarian diet that I will soon start to see some results. I want to be there for my kids, and grand kids and maybe great grand children. I want to be healthy and full the plans I have in my heart and the plans and vision God has for me as an individual and as a child and daughter of God.

dreams can hurt

 

This is a real photo of a mother with her deceased child. In the 1800’s and early 1900’s is was common practice to photograph the deceased especially children and infants. It might sound morbid to do this but if my child died I think I would. I would want to hold my child one last time and have a memory of that. I know people still do it now but it is not as common.

(Also another real photo of a deceased infant baby)

I am in a dream, but it’s so lucid it feels like reality. I can taste, touch, feel, hurt. Hurt so much, especially when I’m dreaming. When I wake up and even now it’s so real, the dream, that it feels as though it is an actual event in my life. Each dream is different. But it always the same. I’m pregnant, and I have my baby then shortly after my baby dies. Either from tragedy or from someone harming him. It’s always a boy and always a newborn. And it always feels like I am having someone dig their hands in my chest cavity breaking through skin and tissue, muscle and bone and ripping out my heart. Can’t breathe, heavy legs like lead. Where is my baby, my son? What did I do to deserve this? Do I deserve him? What is causing these dreams so extremely frequently, multiple times a week.

I couldn’t sleep. I don’t really know why I’m here. But this is where I think to go when I cannot sleep. I guess my mind is too occupied with too many things. Two hundred things racing through my mind with only one hundred allowed at maximum. Total mental overload. The future, the past, the present, my health, my children, my overall relationship, school progress and what is to come, deadlines to meet, goals to achieve, two individuals counting on me to succeed when sometimes mentally I feel everything is just going to cave in on top of me. Samara’s attitudes, Velda’s moodiness, lack of caring from certain family members. Dreams of Spencer, or more like reminders and nightmares. Nightmares of other horrible events.

I’m also still dreaming about Spencer and/or his kids and it drives me crazy. I think I am just because he never cared and there was never any closure. He basically proved to me how much he didn’t give a shit when I put my foot down then I really saw where I stood. I think my mind is still too attached to the notion and the rejection of someone I cared about and how much I cared about his children, accepting them for them especially his difficult by very intelligent autistic son and two daughters that were very wild. And a mother with a list full of complaints and very little of motivations and ambitions. I think I am not over Spencer and haven’t been and I should of never given Jason incentive to try to court me, because I feel guilty about that. I thought I was over it but I guess I’m not. I don’t know how else to explain all the dreams about him. They aren’t positive dreams. I always end up an emotional wreck by the end of the dream and all the dreams are pretty different. Overall I feel like I was used and abused as much as they could get out of me until I decided enough was enough. Because when I walked out the door that was the end of communications. And I really do not think it was because I was madly in love with the guy, because I wasn’t. You can only love someone so much. Each time that they do something to you to not meet you in the middle or cross that line to go above the call of duty as your partner then I think a little bit of that love dies slowly until there is really only mutual caring to the point that you only exist.

I keep running through my mind about creating a novel. I keep getting incredible feedback from my instructors, a couple friends and also classmates on my writing style and techniques. Poetry is more of my safe zone but I have always had a desire to write a novel. I used to love to read romance novels. I would love to write a christian based romance novel based in the 1200-1400’s. I’ve always been fascinated with that time period especially in the UK and Scandonavian areas. I still want to do the Children’s story series of Pigmara (yes, I am serious) but I want to learn some basic drawing techniques and I’d have to be able to afford photoshop so I can make more professional illustrations for the books. And right now I can’t do that. Not until after I move to my Mom’s after June and am working.  Both are ideas and ambitions of mine to do in the future. I would like to start and complete at least one of these within the next 1-2 years. I want to not just accomplish academic and professional goals and needs but also my passions and want to steadily get back into writing. It’s hard juggling time for that now, I cannot imagine how it will be when I’m doing all of that AND working to make time for it. But it has always been a deep rooted passion of mine so I suppose anything is possible if you set your mind to it!

January 1st, 2012

I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to say, I just felt it was necessary to leave a blog even if it’s a short one since it is New Years Day now. January 1st 2012. I think we are supposed to be dead now based on the Mayan calendar, lol. But since I am here typing I don’t think I’m dead. Now the ghosts or spirits in the home, well that’s another story.

2012, 2012, 2012. I guess this is where I make a bunch of new years resolutions I can’t keep and then cry about near the end of 2012 because I never achieved them. So I think I will go a different route.

  • As most women do I have weight loss goals seeing that I am over 100lbs overweight and considered morbidly obeise I would like to safely lose about 35-50 before the end of the year, which I find to be realistic so I’ll try my best.
  • Secondly I will try to have more patience with my children and be a better mother. Really that should be the first goal and IS the first goal but I’m too lazy to delete and re-organize all of that.
  • Thirdly, I would like to spend more one on one alone quality time with my mother to build a better relationship with her and understand her better.
  • Fourthly, I would like to continue to do extremely well in school and continue with the A’s keeping a high GPA.
  • Fifthly, I would like to do more work in the church and become closer to God and learning how to pray and show devotion more effectively.
  • Sixthly, I would love to find someone to share my life with and be a postive role model for my kids. Not necessarily so they have someone to call “daddy” but if it turned out that way in the end, that would be great!
  • Seventhly, I would like to become more motivated as far as my writing and do my poetry works and possibly start work on a novel. I have had some ideas running through my head for a while. Including a children’s book series called Pigmara. People think I am joking about this, because the origin is pretty funny but I am DEAD SERIOUS. I just need an artist or work on my art skills so that I can do most of the artwork and writing on my own.

I would like to state that these are just resolutions and some of these I really do not expect to happen overnight or even within a years time. And I just wrote them as they came to mind as well they are not in order by importance! But it is basically a list of things I would like to work on and improve upon.

Well I took some Nyquil not too long ago because me and my sick baby are about to take a nap. Yay to naps. Yayyyyyyy!

Velda has pneumonia

It’s 3:26am and I can’t sleep. I just got back from the hospital with Velda at 3am. So I decided to blog. I had been cat sitting/ house sitting for my mom while she was on her annual christmas vacation with bob. This year they are in Myrtle Beach. So I was there for a few days but the whole time Velda was extremely sick. She wasn’t eating, not drinking that much fluids, vommitting at nighttime, fever that would not break and just crying about 85% of the day/night. And not getting any sleep because she is so miserable. So I left early and came back to Water Street.

We were sleeping and another night of basically the same thing at my mom’s house. Something inside of me did not feel right, and was bothering me telling me I should take me to the doctor. Of course most people thought they would just give her tylenol and that’s it. But I told my brother I would rather go and them tell me to just deal with it and it will get better soon then something be wrong. And something was/is wrong. They did a chest x-ray, which she did not like the weird contraption that they had to put her in since she’s sick and she’s too young to understand to sit and/or lay still. She was basically crunched up in this all clear plastic arms around her with her arms straight up with me holding onto her hands and they secure a velcro strap to hold it all together. It came back that she was developing phneumonia, so I felt a lot better when I left. Not because she was sick but because now I know she can get better and ease her discomfort. She just turned 15 months and she has to go to the doctor in a few days and get shots so she is just having it so easy!!!! Got phenuemonia…..have to get vaccinations in a few days ….poor Velda. If anybody is reading this please keep her in your prayers and hope the sickness goes away soon and she heals quickly.

I forgot about my blog and left it open. I woke up at 8 so didn’t get a whole lot of sleep. I have to bring her in for another x-ray. I woke up with a pounding headache. Her fever is a little bit more under control but she’s still hacking and coughing and you can tell she doesn’t feel good. but I would too if I had pneumonia and haven’t had any naps or sleep in several days. I am hoping I and she will get a nap in before I have to go to Franklin Medical Center Hospital in Louisburg to get that other x-ray to check on her

Gravity

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here ’till the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sara_bareilles/gravity.html ]
You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you’re
Everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I
Can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down
You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah
You’re onto me, onto me and all over

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long.

 

 

 

I chose to post this song because today it came on the pandora and everytime I hear it I get lost in the song. It reminds me of my ex and my first love Eric Jimenez. I was extremely emotionally unstable and he was young, carefree and handsome. I haven’t felt a love like it since. It was very intense. At least for me. I know I was his first put he was mine. I won’t go into all the details of how we met and our first time together and all the negative things (mostly me) that led to our seperation. But there has always been a part of me that has always been in love with him and always will. I always fantasized that one day we would find our way back together in each others arms and that the world and my heart would be whole again. I don’t really consider myself a romantic person but in some regards I do. Like I thing he will come back, everything will be great and he will save the day. But the reality is just the opposite. It hurt leaving and in a way it hurts in a miniscal way everytime I talk to him because I know I do love him and always will. which also interfers with other past and future relationships. Not always but I have compared them to what I see in him. I don’t really know why I felt the need to blog about him now after all of these years but that song came on today and the whole time I just felt enveloped in the lyrics,voice and motion of the emotions, with the lyrics fitting so well with how I actually feel. I felt like we were soul mates when I was merely a child transforming into a woman. I’ve known him since I was 16 almost 17. If a 17 year old were to tell me they were dating their soul mate I would roll my eyes at them. But I pretty much felt the same way over 10 years ago, as I do now. I think a multitude of things brought this about: the song, the movie I watched the other day what dreams may come with robin williams and just the time of reflection I’ve had since I am on winter break from school. Making me think about relationships not just romantic but life relationships.

Speaking of gravity more is working against me. It depresses me that I look absolutely nothing like I used to 10 years ago. I really do not think if I went to my HS reunion that more than a few close friends would recognize me due to my weight gain. And the thing is I am not sitting on the couch eating cheetos doing nothing. I’m moderately active with 2 (sometimes 3) kids and on the go. And if I am not on the go I do have an exercise routine. But all that has happened since the divorce with Chris is weight gain. Gain, gain, gain. They say muscle weighs more then fat but that is bologna. It’s just plain nothing is going on. I’ve gained about 100 lbs to the point that I almost have type 2 diabetes and had to go on medication to prevent the onset of type 2 diabetes that I have to take every night. How do you think that makes me feel? Like a fat cow out of control. I exercise, I feel great. I know I’m doing something good for myself and teaching my kids great habits in taking care of your physical being and wellness in general. I look in the mirror and I would be totally embarrassed to run into someone that knew me 10 years ago. Facebook or tagged is one thing but the grocery store or a town event is another. Ehhhh! You shouldn’t care what other people think! Sure you should. It’s not just what other people think. I don’t think I’m ugly but I know when I was smaller and healthier I was a lot more attractive. Samara saw a photo of me a few years ago and asked who it was and inside I felt like I was dying a little. It was hard to admit that my own daughter didn’t know it was me in the photo. I have been to the doctor and I have tried different “diets”. I have friends tell me not to go on a particular diet because you will gain all your weight back but I’ve gained all this weight for several reasons. I weigh about 280 now, I lost a little bit of weight then gained it back. Just trying to eat healthy and whole grains and things that aren’t loaded with HFCS and other mega ingredients. I try to eat fresh and cook fresh meals for me and my family. But my weight doesn’t change.

My weight also effects me in the self esteem department as far as dating. Because I might pass up on a certain guy because I don’t think I’m attractive enough or skinny enough for them. I’ve experienced a lot of superficial and shallow guys. It reminds me of Shallow Hal, the movie. Everybody would love to date a supermodel. Every guy that is, I suppose. Actually I don’t know, I’m not a guy but I can say there are a lot of shallow guys out there. But I guess there are a lot of shallow girls too. But I know I am not shallow. I don’t particularly like stick thin men but I’ve dated men from thin to very very over weight because I try to find the positive in everybody and not judge on someone’s weight. I just assume someone will not be interested in me based on my drastic change of appearance. A lot of people say I do not look like my weight…..but that just says “wow you don’t look that fat”. In general I do not have low self esteem, if someone doesn’t like me they can go screw themselves and I do not have low self esteem about my appearance overall I just know that I am unhealthy and need to do something to get rid of the unwanted weight to be in a healtheir condition as a woman and mother.

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